Thursday, March 04, 2004
Today I had my first "breakdown" since I am here.
Although there were no apparent reasons for me to feel unhappy, I do felt very sad and empty this morning. Getting used to the New Yorker culture is not as trivial as I thought it would be. It is indeed a great shock comparing with the sort of society and behaviour I was used to and in which I grew up. New York seems to be a-cultural, probably a consequence of having so many people from so many different places. People just lose their social/cultural identity because this is not shared by its neighbour. Thus, everybody behaves on a sort of amorphous fashion, deprived of touch, warmth or involvement. Unfortunatelly, it seems to be useless to fight against it and I suspect that sooner or later I'll become like this.
All this I am talking about reflects in small daily habits such as entering an elevator and saying "Good Morning" without getting any answer. The same applies to when I get to the lab or leave it... saying "Hello" or "See you tomorrow" doesn't really make a difference. I can hardly get an answer back. It's like if I am invisible in this struggle of trying to behave as I always did. For now I continue doing it but, as I said, I guess at some point I'll just give up... which is really sad!
Everything is very individualistic and impersonal around here... I, that used to like to go to the gym so much, can't find any motivation to go there now. Although I didn't realize it before, besides going there in order to keep in shape I was also seeking the interaction with people. If in Portugal it was normal to become friends with our instructor, here it's totally impossible. The same stands for whoever's exercising besides me.
I know it takes time to get my own group of friends and I am not the sort of person that wants to find them right away. I am very picky and demanding in what comes to that matter but, still... I wish I didn't feel so lonely. Not lonely in a sense that I don't have anyone that cares about me here but instead because I seem to be one of a kind among all these people.
All this was spoken this morning, over breakfast with Sema and that's the reason why today I am writing in English... because of her and because of Patrick, my dearest best friend that is now so far away. Sema is a great listener and understands perfectly all the emotions I am going through because she was once the one feeling them. When I was leaving to work she came to me and said "Ines, don't worry, everything will go fine!" and she just hugged me... just as Patrick did whenever I was in need. And this hug warmed me deeply... that's what I've been missing, physical contact, so that I know I am not invisible to people.
Therefore, I really feel like thanking to these great friends I have and that are always willing to give me a hug and make me feel better.
Thank you Patrick! Thank you Sema! This blog is exclusively for you... for being there for me!
Although there were no apparent reasons for me to feel unhappy, I do felt very sad and empty this morning. Getting used to the New Yorker culture is not as trivial as I thought it would be. It is indeed a great shock comparing with the sort of society and behaviour I was used to and in which I grew up. New York seems to be a-cultural, probably a consequence of having so many people from so many different places. People just lose their social/cultural identity because this is not shared by its neighbour. Thus, everybody behaves on a sort of amorphous fashion, deprived of touch, warmth or involvement. Unfortunatelly, it seems to be useless to fight against it and I suspect that sooner or later I'll become like this.
All this I am talking about reflects in small daily habits such as entering an elevator and saying "Good Morning" without getting any answer. The same applies to when I get to the lab or leave it... saying "Hello" or "See you tomorrow" doesn't really make a difference. I can hardly get an answer back. It's like if I am invisible in this struggle of trying to behave as I always did. For now I continue doing it but, as I said, I guess at some point I'll just give up... which is really sad!
Everything is very individualistic and impersonal around here... I, that used to like to go to the gym so much, can't find any motivation to go there now. Although I didn't realize it before, besides going there in order to keep in shape I was also seeking the interaction with people. If in Portugal it was normal to become friends with our instructor, here it's totally impossible. The same stands for whoever's exercising besides me.
I know it takes time to get my own group of friends and I am not the sort of person that wants to find them right away. I am very picky and demanding in what comes to that matter but, still... I wish I didn't feel so lonely. Not lonely in a sense that I don't have anyone that cares about me here but instead because I seem to be one of a kind among all these people.
All this was spoken this morning, over breakfast with Sema and that's the reason why today I am writing in English... because of her and because of Patrick, my dearest best friend that is now so far away. Sema is a great listener and understands perfectly all the emotions I am going through because she was once the one feeling them. When I was leaving to work she came to me and said "Ines, don't worry, everything will go fine!" and she just hugged me... just as Patrick did whenever I was in need. And this hug warmed me deeply... that's what I've been missing, physical contact, so that I know I am not invisible to people.
Therefore, I really feel like thanking to these great friends I have and that are always willing to give me a hug and make me feel better.
Thank you Patrick! Thank you Sema! This blog is exclusively for you... for being there for me!
